Listen! Self-Storage Only Costs 40 Splatoons on Primus 5!

Storage letter blocks

Ok, I’m not crazy, but a portal opened on my patio and I was taken to the martian-made satellite planet Primus 5. I know, I didn’t know my patio was perfect either! I was aware of the possibility of a portal so I wasn’t terribly alarmed. I had a chance to leave this planet for the stars, and I took it. Of course, that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about self-storage costs. Space, and specifically extra space, is going to be the most valuable commodity in the coming Space Age. The first thought I had when I landed on Primus 5 was ‘pretty cool’ but the second was ‘what are the self-storage costs on Primus 5? Luckily, Primus 5 isn’t bound to the galactic state currency which means–yep, that’s right–they use Splatoons. A small storage unit costs 40 Splatoons there! That’s the same as one American nickel.

Why Is This Important?

Let’s shoot the truth straight with each other. The earth’s population is bound to expand outside the bounds of what this planet can handle. City’s will swell until the whole earth is covered in metal and concrete. And when there is less space, the value of space goes up. Self-storage costs on earth are going to skyrocket in the next 1000 years–what Primus 5 offers is a hedge. A secure off-planet investment with a lot of room for growth. It will be cheap to maintain, and when things go sour and people start looking for storage off planet storage, you’ll already be there.

4000 Splatoons, 100 small storage units for one Lincoln, baby! You’ll be missing out on billions with self-storage costs these low!

However, it is not safe on Primus 5. Listen close, I learned a great many things when I was last there.

Tips and Tricks for Investing on Primus 5

  1. Don’t Fight the Portal

It’s rather vague, but you need to have a ‘perfect’ patio to open a portal. There are other sources online for the right furnishings, good ones too. You gotta stay calm when that portal wham-bams into existence and jump right into it. I always repeat the same phrase to myself before a portal opens, “Jump into the mouth of the snake!” It’s what an indigenous people of the Amazon say to remind themselves to face fear head on. You need to be ready, because the longer the portal is open the more damage that is done to your corner of space-time. If you aren’t dedicated to seeking low self-storage costs, then this isn’t a good place for your mind to be.

  1. Get Splatoons Before Arriving on Primus 5

People on Primus 5 will kill someone just for looking like they know the word Splatoon, much less give them to some lumpy off-world beggar. Do you want to steal fruit from horse carts and wrestle heels of bread away from other beggars? Then listen, you have to get some under the table on earth. Not a tough job. Any bank carries a reserve of Splatoons. Wink while wearing a Ring Pop and they’ll show you to the back.

gold blue fifty dollar bills

  1. Wait for My People

Remember that Ring Pop? Take it with you and my people will find you and get you underground. When they do find you, they will ask “What do you know?”and you have to respond “Self-storage costs a lot more than Splatoons.”

  1. Hire Protection

A lot of self-storage areas on Primus 5 are right smack in the middle of gangland, and my people aren’t going to walk you all the way there. Luckily, it’s common practice to hire a local to bring you through safely. Can’t just get one nice person to shepherd you the whole way through, no way. You’ll need a few, so treat them well and with respect. If they like you, you can get away with paying 1000 Splatoons for each.

  1. Learn Klak-Patlak

Klak-Patlak, not much worse than that. It’s the martial art practiced on Primus 5. Remember that Ring-Pop? Keep it in your back pocket, my friend. The gate to the self-storage area has been closed for 2000 years, ok, so this is a big deal and don’t mess it up. The gate is carved with the image of your perfect patio from back on earth. Twist the ring-pop into the patio umbrella and the gate will open, and that’s when you need Klak-Patlak. The gate guardian is obviously waiting.

  1. Keep your Ear to the Ground

Ok look, I’ll be frank, I’m not only interested in self-storage costs. I have a lot invested in the development of Primus 5, which means I need eyes and ears on the ground. I asked my friend Chris to write a really cool and dramatic political story for this section, but I hung up the phone after 5 minutes. He has this weird dominance thing. He coaches an 8th grade debate team and he tries to make me feel small by telling me over and over how much smarter the kids are than me. Yes, Chris, please paint a picture of how terribly sad it is that these 8th graders don’t have a comprehensive knowledge of the Arab Spring. Yes, what a world, indeed! Anyways, keep me informed about what’s happening over there.

Have Fun!

How cool is it that you get to help develop a whole industry on Primus 5, right!? I really appreciate it, so take some time for yourself and have a good time! Self-storage costs can handle themselves for a few minutes while you sample all of the noodle bowls.

If you’d like to look into self-storage in Albuquerque, contact us today!

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